NaNoWriMo2 The Real Trojan War

How did Paris end up in such a compromising position?  As in any epic, his heritage has to be recounted in minute detail.

I have always thought Paris was "special", not all there, the apple the fell hardest from the tree.  

Paris, like all heroes, had a prophecy told about him the night before he was born.  His mother, Hecuba, had a nightmare that she was giving birth to a torch.  The palace seer told Hecuba and Priam that this meant that the child would bring about the destruction of Troy.  

Like all worried parents of heroes, they conspired to get rid of the child, because they could not bring themselves to kill it.  And like all heroes, he was given to a sheppard to be killed.  Yes this sounds a lot like Oedipus Rex, but don't worry, Paris won't sleep with his mother or kill his father.  The sheppard couldn't kill the child either, so he left him on Mt. Ida to starve to death.  Which failed, since apparently not only women would be attracted to Paris, but bears as well.  A mother bear nursed him for nine days (which might have something to do with Paris' not being all there).  After nine days, the sheppard saw the baby still alive and brought him home in a backpack to raise as his own.  The sheppard wasn't too creative with names, however; Paris means backpack.  If the prophecy hadn't set him up for a life of failure, that name did.

King Priam's eyes were beginning to fail him, since he accepted a dog's tongue as proof that his son was dead.  Or it could have come from a really small dog.

Paris was raised by the sheppard, but the things that usually befall a hero that doesn't know of his heritage began to happen.  As a young man Paris saved his family's herd of cattle from thieves that had taken them and also dispatched the thieves easily.  Also, he was good looking, and in those days good looking meant that you were royalty.  (This did not, however ensure that responsible decisions were made.)  

After that event, Paris found his first lover, a sea nymph (yes they are EVERYWHERE) Oenone.  She was a healer and also had the gift of prophecy, but there is no mention of her ever knowing Paris' fate.  Love is blind, and also stupid, I suppose.  For whatever reason, she supported him as judge of the beauty contest and told him that if he ever needed a wound treated she could heal him.  So she loved him enough to watch him run off with another woman and say "come back and visit!".  Apparently nymphs aren't very bright.

So, now that we know a bit about our judge, we return to the main point of the story.  (This myth will often go off on tangents like that, for it (loosely) follows the Homeric tradition).

Hermes was told to escort the three goddesses to Mt. Ida, where they bathed in the spring and did everything in their power to enhance their beauty.  Hermes waited a safe distance away, to avoid being punished for spying.  

Hera was the dark haired beauty, long limbed, elegant and prideful.  She was the mother who had to pleased and wasn't easily flattered.  Aphrodite was the golden haired beauty, who was born of the ocean.  She was voluptuous and had no problems flaunting her looks or straying too close to the line of in-decency.  She was the goddess of lust, but thought herself to represent love.  Athena was the wise goddess, and considered by many myths to be rather androgynous.  She filled a man's role by being involved in war and by being the wisest, and wasn't portrayed very flatteringly.  She was said to have grey eyes, which was a symbol of honesty and elegance.  

After the goddesses had prepared themselves, Hermes led them to Paris, who was watching his herd lazily on the lower slopes of Mt. Ida.  Hermes approached Paris first, letting the goddesses stand back a bit while he explained the situation.

Paris was slightly alarmed by the unseen arrival of the god and goddesses but wasn't sure what to about it.

"Listen," Hermes said before Paris could flee.  "There was a wedding feast on Mt. Olympus recently (well recently-ish, since Achilles is supposed to be your age, so we had to wait a while to make everything pan out properly) and this apple appeared, with the words "For the Fairest" written on it."  He handed the apple to Paris, who read it and briefly considered eating it.  It was almost lunch time and it was such a perfect looking apple… "..Are you listening to me?"  The god looked impatient and Paris nodded so he wouldn't be caught daydreaming.  "Alright," Hermes continued, "you need to judge which of these three goddesses is the most beautiful.  They have all agreed, that should they lose, that they won't kill you themselves.  So you don't have too much to lose."

Paris nodded.  He liked women, so he didn't think this would be too hard.  But since pure hearted and fair judge apparently are synonyms for stupidity, he didn't think of the consequences of pissing off two goddesses.  

"So we'll do this in order of age, to be fair."  Hermes decided.

"Why age?" asked Athena.  "Why not alphabetical order, or drawing lots, or rock paper scissors?"

"Because scissors haven't been invented yet and because I'm saving the best for last."

"Good point… wait, what was that last bit?"  Hera prompted.

"Father Zeus told me to do it this way."  Hera and Athena stared at him, not buying his excuse for a minute.  "That means Hera goes first."  Hermes quickly added, pacifying one of the two goddesses.  Aphrodite hadn't been paying much attention; she was busy making a wreath of flowers for Paris, since he was such a pretty mortal.

Hera stepped forward for judgement, and in a voice only Paris could hear, she whispered, "if you pick me I will make you King of Europe and Asia, and you will have undisputed power."

Paris looked her over, and even though she was elegant, she wasn't his type.  "And besides," he thought to himself, "do I look like I can handle more than a herd of cattle?  Responsibility is too worrisome."

Next to be presented was Athena.  She approached Paris and nodded respectfully to him.  She also presented him with a bribe.

"If you were to choose me, I will give you skill in war and knowledge of anything you ever wished to know.  And a war is coming, regardless of your choice."

Paris gave a passing glance to Athena, quickly deciding that such a strong woman was distasteful.  To his knowledge, Athena wasn't a goddess of prophecy anyways, so he ignored her foreshadowing of war.  

Athena retreated to beside Hera, and Hermes called Aphrodite forward.

Aphrodite skipped up to Paris, and playfully placed the wreath of flowers on his head.  "You're so cute for a mortal!" she said happily.

"Aren't you going to bribe me?"  Paris asked.  He didn't mind drawing out this conversation, since he had a nice view of Aphrodite's endowments from where he was sitting.

"Oh right, I almost forgot about that since I'm going to win anyways," Aphrodite replied.  She stopped to think, pursing her lips in a cute, pouting, way.  "I shall give you…hmmm…. I know!  I'll give you the most beautiful mortal girl in all of Greece for your very own!  I can make her fall in love with you, and you two can be happy and be together always."

"Why not the most beautiful woman in Ilius?"

"Where's the fun in that?  Besides, I thought all men liked foreign women."

"Good point."

Paris quickly-- and by quickly I mean less than 10 seconds-- surveyed his options and made his choice.  "I name Aphrodite as the most beautiful," he declared as he handed her the apple.

Hera and Athena had watched Aphrodite's conduct towards Paris with one word in mind: slut.  They were both rather angry with the final decision, but they retreated, as they had agreed to do when the contest had begun.  They both began to figure out ways of getting back at Aphrodite for winning.  Smashing her mirrors and exchanging her cosmetics with ink would be a good start.  So would finding a way to get her human children and pets into trouble.

Hermes left slightly behind the angry goddesses, not wanting to do anything to turn their anger towards him.  All of Olympus was soon aware of their return, which was marked with indignant comments and slammed doors.

"There's always next year," Ares said in a mock-helpful tone.  He quickly found somewhere else to be when his mother and sister decided he would be a good person to show exactly how enraged they are.

"How did it go?"  Zeus quickly asked Hermes.  

"Aphrodite is happy.  I'd stay away from the other two though."

"Hera is never happy; why do you think I find so many other women to be around?"

"Too much information, father.  Way too much," Hermes shuddered and retreated to see if there were any messages waiting to be delivered.

Paris was still with Aphrodite, however.  After she had calmed herself from the exhilaration of winning, she looked at Paris confusedly.

"You're still here?" she blinked as she asked with surprise.

"You said you would set me up with the most beautiful woman in Greece."  He reminded her helpfully.

"Oh, riiiiight, I almost forgot about that.  There's just a little itty bitty problem that needs to be taken care of first."

"Problem?  What problem?"  Paris was beginning to think he had made a big mistake.

"She, well her name is Helen, and she lives in Sparta and well… she's already married."

Paris got up from where he had been sitting and looked at the goddess in shock.  Silence filled the air, only to occasionally broken by the sounds of the cattle moving around.

"But she's not happy with her marriage!  I promise she'll like you better and that she'll run away with you.  Really.  It won't be much of a problem at all, just a technicality really," Aphrodite added hurriedly.

Paris nodded after a moment.  "We should get going then."